2025: National Security Now Runs on Emojis and Group Chats—Welcome to the Era of Total Incompetency

From military strikes to top-secret intel, America’s security is now managed like a frat party, where nothing matters and loyalty is the only qualification.

Once upon a time, national security was a solemn business. Suits in dimly lit rooms, furrowed brows over classified dossiers, tense phone calls to allies and adversaries alike. Now? Now, it’s a Signal group chat loaded with alpha energy, emojis, and apparently, the occasional misplaced journalist. Welcome to 2025, where the people in charge of safeguarding the most powerful country on Earth can’t even manage an invitation on a messaging app.

The latest saga of America’s Got Buffoons featured none other than The Atlantic’s editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, who found himself accidentally included in a high-level U.S. national security chat discussing military strikes in Yemen. That’s right—while you struggle to get added to your office’s lunch planning group, Goldberg got VIP access to Trump’s War Room – Emoji Edition. 🔥💪🇺🇸

Signal Fail: The New Gold Standard in Secure Communications

The mastermind behind this fiasco? National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, perhaps inspired by the convenience of a family WhatsApp group, decided a Signal chat titled “Houthi PC small group” was the perfect venue for war planning. Among its esteemed members: Vice President J.D. Vance, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. A lineup so unserious that it’s like the cast of a Veep spinoff written by Putin. Their mission? Coordinating U.S. military action in Yemen—because why use a secure government system when you can slide into someone’s DMs like it’s Tinder for war strategies?

The real kicker? Goldberg was in the chat for 45 minutes—long enough to order a pizza, watch half an episode of Succession, and witness firsthand what passes for high-level strategy in 2025: a cocktail of bro-talk, crypto-boy energy, and enough flag emojis to make a North Korean propagandist blush.

Emojis: The New Diplomatic Language

The aftermath of the Yemen strike played out like a teenage gaming group celebrating a Call of Duty win. Waltz dropped a fist bump, a flag, and a fire emoji—because nothing says “responsible use of military force” like a 🔥. Other top officials chimed in with flexed biceps (💪), praying hands (🙏), and—missing a golden opportunity—the crying-laughing emoji (😂), which would’ve at least acknowledged the absurdity.

Gone are the days of Kennedy’s Cuban Missile Crisis deliberations. Now, the men shaping American foreign policy celebrate military operations like they just hit a new bench press PR. Next up: Nuking Tehran with a “press F to pay respects” follow-up.

Leadership Accountability: A Masterclass in Deflection

Of course, the moment this went public, the response was predictably farcical. Trump brushed it off as a “glitch”—because in his world, cybersecurity, like honesty, is strictly optional. Waltz took “full responsibility,” which, in D.C.-speak, means “I will suffer no consequences whatsoever.” Meanwhile, Trump blamed a subordinate—because loyalty in MAGA-land is a one-way street paved with sacrificial staffers.

Bipartisan calls for accountability? Cute. You’re assuming accountability still exists. We live in an era where mistakes don’t matter, leaks don’t matter, and the president’s own intelligence officials don’t even think this was a big deal.

And then, in a truly breathtaking act of deflection, Trump blamed The Atlantic itself. That’s right—the problem wasn’t the total failure of national security but the journalist who dared to witness it. The man who spent his entire career screaming about “fake news” now found a way to blame the press for being too accurate. In the MAGA reality distortion field, exposing incompetence is the real crime, not committing it.

CIA’s Stance: “Big Mistake? Nah.”

When CIA Director John Ratcliffe was grilled about whether this security breach was a massive, humiliating, international-level disaster, his answer was a breezy “No.”

Not “We’ll look into it.” Not “Mistakes were made.” Just… “No.”

Think about that. The top intelligence official in the United States was confronted with undeniable proof that an unvetted journalist sat in on a classified military discussion, and his takeaway was: “Not a problem, folks. Move along.”

Imagine applying this logic anywhere else:

• Your pilot forgets to refuel the plane: “Big mistake?” “No.”

• Your surgeon leaves a scalpel in your chest: “Big mistake?” “No.”

• Your bank wires your life savings to a Nigerian prince: “Big mistake?” “No.”

Conclusion: The New Normal

It’s moments like these when you realize how utterly untethered from reality we’ve become. National security is now a glorified group chat, run by men who treat military strategy like frat brothers planning a Vegas trip.

And the worst part? Nothing will come of this. No resignations, no consequences, not even a half-assed apology. That’s what happens when a narcissist runs a country like a failing casino. Trump isn’t stupid—he’s surrounded himself with loyalists and compromised yes-men, ensuring no failure, no matter how catastrophic, will ever touch him.

The Signal debacle will fade into the noise, buried under the next scandal, the next outrage, the next deeply unserious moment in a country where governance is a meme.

So place your bets now. What’s next?

• A TikTok livestream of nuclear codes?

• A Snapchat filter for drone strikes?

• Presidential decisions made via Instagram poll?

Welcome to America, 2025—where the only consistent policy is that every crisis ends with a 🔥 emoji and a Fox News host blaming ‘deep state interns”.