From ‘You’re Fired’ to ‘You’re Annexed’: Trump’s Bizarre Quest for a Greater America

Canada says no, Greenland says no, Ukraine is abandoned, and Gaza could become a dystopian resort. Just another day in Trump’s chaotic world.

Trump signing random executive orders: Source: White House

Dear Reader, grab your popcorn and Xanax for the latest episode of The Apprentice: Global Domination Edition, starring none other than Donald J. Trump - the only game show host who thinks geopolitics works like a hostile takeover. The former real estate mogul turned wannabe emperor has traded in 'You're fired!' for 'You're annexed!' Buckle up for this geopolitical reality show where the grand prize is the complete dismantling of the international order.

Canada: The 51st State? (No, Seriously, He's Asking)

In a plot twist no one saw coming (except perhaps in a fever dream), Trump has floated the idea of turning Canada into the newest star on the American flag. Apparently, he believes many Canadians are just itching to trade in their "ehs" for "y'alls" and their healthcare for medical bankruptcy. Former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, however, responded with the diplomatic equivalent of "Over my dead body," stating there's "not a snowball's chance in hell" of such a union. "We'd rather annex Minnesota," added an anonymous Canadian official. ​Naturally, Canada responded with the diplomatic equivalent of “lol, no,” while simultaneously preparing for economic war. Trump, never one to take rejection well, slapped a 25% tariff on Canadian steel and aluminum—then, in a move worthy of a mob boss who didn’t get his cut, threatened to crank it up to 50%. Canada, ever the polite but passive-aggressive neighbor, retaliated by boycotting American products with apps like O SCANada and Maple Scan, which basically function as Tinder for rejecting U.S. goods. Meanwhile, with economic chaos brewing, temporary Prime Minister Mark Carney called for a snap election, hoping to rally Canadians around the very uncontroversial idea that, no, they’d rather not be absorbed into Trump’s empire. And while Trump dreams of slapping his name on the CN Tower, Canadians are gearing up to switch off the power—literally—if the U.S. keeps pushing its luck.

Greenland—because Alaska wasn’t enough (and neither was his inheritance)

Not content with just eyeing the Great White North, Trump has once again set his sights on Greenland—the autonomous Danish territory that, for some reason, he thinks is up for grabs. When he floated the idea of buying Greenland, Danish leaders reacted with the perfect blend of Nordic chill and deadpan humor. Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen dismissed it as “absurd,” while a Danish petition fired back with a counteroffer: “Let’s buy America instead and give them free health care and free education. And they become great!” But Trump, never one to let reality stand in his way, has seemingly resurrected the fantasy. And this time, he’s sending in the big guns—or rather, the big idiot.

His son! (Not the blonde!). Donald Trump Jr. recently made a bizarre appearance in Nuuk, Greenland's capital. What exactly he was doing there remains a mystery, but speculation is running wild. Scouting for oil? Checking out future ski resorts? Or simply thrilled to be surrounded by so much pure white powder? After all, Junior’s well-documented love affair with other kinds of snow is the stuff of legend.

The sheer absurdity of this imperial delusion would be laughable if it weren't so clinically alarming. Denmark isn't just some random NATO ally—it's a utopian fairytale where people actually like their government, education is free, and the biggest national debate is whether to put pickled herring on pizza (the correct answer is yes, fight me). Meanwhile, in America, they debate which bathroom trans kids should use while the infrastructure crumbles faster than Trump's attention span.

Yet here we are, watching the Trump clan treat sovereign nations like a Monopoly board after three martinis. Junior’s fact-finding mission to Nuuk? Please. The only thing he’s “discovering” is how fast an Inuit fishing village can fake a WiFi outage to avoid him. And let’s be real: Trump doesn’t want Greenland for its strategic value—he wants it for the branding opportunities. Imagine the tackiness: Trump Iceberg Casino! Mar-a-Lago North! All staffed by deeply confused Danes who’d rather be euthanized by their excellent healthcare system than wear “Make Greenland Great Again” hats.

But in today’s bizarre world of geopolitics, where diplomacy is just hostile architecture for foreign policy, why shouldn’t a twice-impeached president demand a colonial do-over? It’s not like reality has stopped him before. So grab your popcorn, folks. The Arctic’s about to get hotter—and not from climate change.

Gulf of Mexico: Rebranding waters (because colonization is so 19th century)

​In a move that screams "branding genius" (or perhaps just screams), President Donald Trump signed Executive Order 14172, mandating the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico to the "Gulf of America." Because nothing says "diplomatic finesse" like rebranding a body of water shared with another nation. The executive order highlights the Gulf's significance to American history and its contributions to the nation's economy, particularly in oil, gas, and fisheries. Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum responded with a polite chuckle, the kind you give your racist uncle at Thanksgiving, stating that for Mexico and the international community, it remains the Gulf of Mexico. Meanwhile, Google Maps, always eager to please, updated its U.S. platform to reflect the new name, though users in Mexico still see the traditional designation. What’s next? Renaming the Rio Grande to 'Trump's Big Beautiful River'?

Panama Canal: Make Shipping Great Again

Trump has set his sights on the Panama Canal, declaring that the U.S. should “take back what’s rightfully ours”—never mind that America handed it over in 1999 after decades of, well, owning another country’s waterway. Citing “national security” (which, in Trump-speak, often translates to I just want it), he’s floated the idea of reclaiming control, much to the confusion—and irritation—of Panama. President José Raúl Mulino responded with a firm absolutely not, reminding Trump that the canal isn’t some abandoned golf course up for grabs. But in true MAGA fashion, Trump loyalists are already spinning tales of a stolen canal, and one can only assume “Stop the Steal 2.0” banners are in production.

Ukraine: Flipping the Script—Straight Into the Fire

If you ever wondered how far Trump would go to rewrite history, wonder no more. In a move so audacious it should come with a Kremlin stamp of approval, he’s flipped the Ukraine narrative entirely—casting Zelensky, the man fighting for his country's survival, as the villain. Gone are the days when the U.S. honored the Budapest Memorandum of 1994, the agreement that convinced Ukraine to give up its nuclear weapons in exchange for security guarantees from the U.S. and its allies. Now, under Trump, America is ghosting Ukraine like a bad Tinder date, leaving Zelensky twisting in the wind while Putin grins from ear to ear.

And the allies? Furious. Frustrated. Anxious. And in disbelief. NATO countries, already rattled by Trump’s open contempt for the alliance, now watch in horror as he undercuts their security by siding with a war criminal. The entire world just witnessed what was essentially a geopolitical mugging: Trump talking down to Zelensky like a disobedient child while groveling before Putin’s rewritten reality. Without U.S. support, Ukraine is in existential peril, and Trump knows it. The man who claims to be the “president of peace” is setting the stage for a global disaster—because peace, in his world, means handing victory to dictators while stabbing allies in the back.

Gaza: A Dystopian Real Estate Pitch Even Blackrock Would Reject

In a spectacle of cruelty disguised as vision, Donald Trump has pitched a dystopian fantasy for Gaza: bulldozing a war-ravaged land soaked in blood to build the "Riviera of the Middle East." His plan? Forcibly displacing 2.3 million Palestinians—shoving them into unwilling neighboring countries like Egypt and Jordan—so he can roll out luxury resorts where mass graves now stand. The sheer audacity of this proposal is matched only by its blatant illegality; forced displacement is a war crime under Article 7(1)(d) of the Rome Statute. Even the International Bar Association called it what it is: an outright violation of international law, dressed up as "urban renewal." Netanyahu’s government, always eager to indulge Trump’s delusions, has set up an agency to push this so-called 'voluntary transfer'—a term as grotesque as it is deceptive. Trump's beachfront delusion isn't just out of touch—it's a chilling reminder that for some, human suffering is just another line item on a balance sheet. All this while Gaza's death toll skyrockets past 50,000, with over 15,000 children among the slaughtered. "Think of the ocean views once we clear out... whatever those are," we can quietly hear Trump saying.

The "Peaceful" Presidency Myth

MAGA diehards love to parrot the claim that Trump’s first term was a golden age of peace—no new wars, they say, as if that alone is the measure of stability. But let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we?

First, there was the unhinged nuclear standoff with North Korea, where Trump called Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man” and threatened him with “fire and fury like the world has never seen.” The world braced for catastrophe—until Trump abruptly switched gears, claiming he and Kim had “fallen in love.” This bizarre mix of nuclear brinkmanship and bromance culminated in that infamous photo of Trump stepping into North Korea, grinning like he was closing a real estate deal with one of the world’s most ruthless dictators.

Then, there was the assassination of Iranian General Qasem Soleimani, a move that almost triggered all-out war with Iran. Add to that Trump’s relentless undermining of NATO, his public admiration for strongmen like Putin and Erdoğan, and his willingness to sell out allies for personal gain, and the idea that he was some great force for global stability becomes laughable.

In the end, Trump’s latest imperial delusions—from claiming Canada to ghosting Ukraine—read like satire straight out of The Onion. The only problem? They’re real. And as history has shown, empires built on ignorance, arrogance, and Twitter tantrums rarely end well.

Welcome to Trump’s America, where the map is up for grabs, allies are optional, and reality is just another executive order away from changing. Coming next season: “The Supreme Court Declares Dictatorship Legal—If You Just Believe Hard Enough.”