Merit! The sacred principle that, according to conservatives, ensures the best and brightest rise to the top—like cream that can’t help itself and just like America’s self-proclaimed self-made billionaire, Donald J. Trump. A man who built his empire from absolutely nothing… a small fortune of $413 million from daddy aside. A man with not only one but six high-profile bankruptcies and a lifelong knack for convincing people that gold-plated toilets equal business genius. Who else is better equipped to represent merit? A conservative value we are all happy to welcome back!
In his 2025 inaugural address, Trump once again graced us with his deep respect for competence, stating:
"We will immediately restore the integrity, competency, and loyalty of America's government."
Integrity. Competency. Loyalty. (Notice which one comes last? That’s cute.)
So let’s talk about merit. What is it? Where did it come from? And why does it suddenly look like an inversion when we check out Trump’s new cabinet?
Buckle up. This is going to be fun.
Meritocracy. The idea that success is earned through hard work, talent, and sheer determination. That if you just wake up early enough, grind long enough, and maybe develop a minor caffeine addiction, you too can become a billionaire—or at the very least, avoid getting yelled at by your landlord.
Conservatives love this concept. It’s their favorite bedtime story, right up there with Broconomics and Climate Change Is a Hoax and Putin only defends Russia. They’ll tell you that people rise and fall based solely on their own abilities. That if you’re poor, it’s because you’re lazy. If you’re rich, it’s because you deserve it. And if you point out the obvious flaws in this logic—like generational wealth, systemic barriers, or, say, an ex-president whose career was built on bankruptcy and nepotism—they’ll just call you a communist and move on.
And this brings us back to Donald J. Trump.
The ultimate self-made man. A titan of industry who bootstrapped himself from a multimillion-dollar inheritance, a family business, and a long history of failing upward. A guy whose real talent isn’t business, or leadership, or even basic literacy—he hasn’t read his own book according to the ghostwriter— it’s convincing working-class conservatives that he’s one of them, despite never having shopped at a Walmart in his life.
And now, in 2025, after spending years telling America that only the best and brightest should run the country, Trump has assembled a cabinet that truly reflects his definition of “merit.”
So let’s meet them. The most qualified, competent, brilliant individuals he could find. America’s Best.
First up: Pam Bondi
In the grand tradition of appointing only the most qualified individuals to top government positions, Donald Trump has chosen none other than Pam Bondi as Attorney General. Because when you think of justice, integrity, and constitutional wisdom, you think of... well, not her. And she was only his second choice! Matt Gaetz was his first pick but had to withdraw—unfortunately, paying a 17-year-old for sex isn’t the best look for an Attorney General.
Bondi’s résumé reads like a fever dream of Republican politics. She rose to fame as Florida’s first female Attorney General, where she made history—mostly for trying to dismantle healthcare and backing voter suppression efforts. She is also radically pro-life and has a proven track record of supporting harmful, burdensome, and unnecessary barriers to abortion care. Nice.
She has been a loyal Trump supporter, enthusiastically backing his most legally dubious endeavors, from impeachment defenses to whispering sweet nothings about weaponized justice. And she still cannot bring herself to say that he lost the 2020 election. So we must assume she believes he won.
As a lobbyist, she represented everything from car companies to foreign governments because why limit your public service to just one set of special interests? Now, as America’s top law enforcement officer, she’s wasted no time proving her dedication to justice—by declaring vandalism against Tesla properties as domestic terrorism. Yes, in Bondi’s America, torching a Tesla charger is apparently way worse than storming the U.S. Capitol in an attempt to overthrow democracy. And if you think that’s an exaggeration, just ask her boss.
The rule of law? Checks and balances? Judicial independence? Cute concepts, but not particularly useful when your job is to protect the president and prosecute his enemies. Bondi has never met a constitutional norm she couldn't ignore, sidestep, or outright bulldoze in service of the cause.
So, here we are—the first Trump crony elevated to the highest levels of power, another reminder that in MAGA America, merit is just an old-fashioned idea. Pam Bondi: America’s finest. (Really. No, really?)
Next up: Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Another shining example of American excellence.
In his never-ending quest to staff the government with the absolute best and brightest, Donald Trump has brought in yet another luminary: Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Because when you think of medical expertise, rational thinking, and political integrity, you think of… well, literally anyone else.
The résumé of the new Secretary of Health is as impressive as it is unhinged. He’s a lawyer with no medical background, yet he has made a career out of confidently misunderstanding medicine. Vaccines? Bad. Heroin? Well, been there, done that. (But hey, at least he quit one of those.) He believes the measles vaccine causes autism, HIV came from poppers, and COVID-19 was designed to kill more Christian Caucasians than Jews or Chinese people. No notes. Just pure, unfiltered crackpot genius.
He was staunchly pro-life, right up until it became politically inconvenient. Now? Silence. But don't worry—his deep, unwavering principles will return the second it’s useful. His personal life is… let’s say, eventful. He has had more affairs than coherent policy positions. Oh, and let’s not forget the story about the whale. Kennedy cut off a whale’s head, stored it in his car, and let its putrid liquids ooze all over his daughter in the back seat. “Just a normal family day,” she later recalled.
He famously had a brain worm, which, let’s be honest, raises fewer questions about how it got there and more about whether it actually left. He speaks like he’s trapped in an old, rusty tin fan, making every sentence sound like a distress call from a sinking ship. And, of course, he was once a Democrat. But as his beliefs spiraled further into the fever swamp, he found his natural home among the Republicans—because these days, when the crazy gets too much for the left, the right rolls out the red carpet.
Naturally, his Senate hearing was an absolute trainwreck, but that hardly matters. Merit is an outdated concept. Loyalty, conspiracy theories, and a deep-seated hatred of vaccines? Now that’s a winning résumé.
So here we are—another Trump crony elevated to the highest levels of power. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: a man so lost in the wilderness of nonsense that even his brain worm probably filed for early retirement. But hey, at least we know one thing for certain: science is in good hands. (No, really. No, really?)
Next up: Dr. Mehmet Oz
Yet another shining example of American excellence.
Continuing his streak of impeccable hiring decisions, Donald Trump has entrusted America’s healthcare to none other than Dr. Mehmet Oz. Because who better to shape the nation’s medical policies than a TV doctor who built his career selling miracle cures and junk science?
Now, he’s been handed control over Medicare and Medicaid, which makes about as much sense as putting a televangelist in charge of NASA. Will he replace insulin with green coffee extract? Treat cancer with goji berries? Or perhaps introduce a mandatory daily dose of hydroxychloroquine? The possibilities are endless—and terrifying.
Oz, a former daytime TV doctor and professional snake oil salesman, now finds himself responsible for safeguarding public health. As a cardiac surgeon, he gained fame not for saving lives but for peddling pseudoscience, endorsing everything from raspberry ketones to energy-realigning homeopathy. His Senate campaign in Pennsylvania ended in spectacular failure, mostly because voters weren’t sure if he even lived there. (Spoiler: He didn’t.) He once held a Senate hearing where he was politely informed—by actual experts—that most of his “miracle cures” were pure nonsense. It didn’t stop him.
And now, Dr. Oz is in charge of the nation’s health policies, overseeing agencies like the FDA, the CDC, and—why not?—the NIH. What could possibly go wrong? Expect bold new initiatives such as replacing vaccines with meditation, declaring kale a controlled substance, and approving psychic surgery as a viable alternative to actual medical care. If you thought American healthcare was a disaster before, just wait until it’s run like a daytime talk show.
Meritocracy? Science? Evidence-based medicine? Cute. But this is MAGA America, where the real qualifications are television ratings and loyalty to Trump. Dr. Oz: America’s top doctor—just not the kind you’d ever want treating you.
Next up: Tulsi Gabbard
Yet another shining example of American excellence.
In yet another inspired hiring decision, Donald Trump has selected Tulsi Gabbard to oversee America’s intelligence community—because if there’s one thing you want in a Director of National Intelligence, it’s an unwavering commitment to believing absolutely anything. Bonus points if they were once on a U.S. terrorist watchlist. Yes, really. At one point, the very intelligence agencies she’ll now be overseeing flagged her for her questionable foreign ties. But in Trump’s America, that’s less of a red flag and more of a résumé booster.
Gabbard’s journey to the right is a case study in political opportunism. Once a Bernie Sanders supporter, she took a hard turn after realizing that playing footsie with Russian propaganda and right-wing media was far more lucrative than hanging out with progressives. And so, she went from promoting Medicare for All to promoting Kremlin talking points on Tucker Carlson’s old time slot. A natural progression.
Her résumé is as fascinating as it is alarming. Raised in a strict Hare Krishna sect, she started her political career as a Democrat, briefly flirted with progressive politics, and then took a sharp detour into the fever swamps of MAGA. Somewhere along the way, she realized that homophobia, conspiracy theories, and a strategic tolerance for Russian propaganda paid far better than left-wing activism. So, she swapped universal healthcare for Putin apologia and went from backing Bernie to cozying up to the kind of people who think vaccines are a globalist plot.
As Director of National Intelligence, she’ll be responsible for briefing the president on critical global threats, which is ironic given her high tolerance for conspiracy theories and her unwavering belief in whatever nonsense is floating around on Infowars. From denying Assad’s chemical attacks to repeating Kremlin talking points about Ukrainian biolabs, Gabbard has never met a piece of disinformation she couldn’t take for a spin.
She’s also shown great enthusiasm for autocrats, famously meeting with Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad and later casting doubt on reports of his chemical weapons attacks. In 2022, she took her talents to Twitter, amplifying Russian disinformation about U.S. biolabs in Ukraine—a claim so ludicrous that even Mitt Romney, of all people, called her out for parroting “treasonous lies.”
And, of course, her nomination was announced in the most professional manner possible: by Roger Stone reading it aloud on InfoWars. Because nothing says "top national security pick" like an endorsement from a guy with a Nixon tattoo and a permanent spot on the FBI’s watchlist.
Gabbard says she’s here to "prevent World War III," but given her track record, it seems more likely she’d just help pick which foreign autocrat to blame when it starts. Because in Trump’s America, national security isn’t about intelligence—it’s about vibes. And if there’s one thing Tulsi Gabbard has in abundance, it’s an unwavering commitment to the dumbest possible ones.
Next up: Pete Hegseth
Another shining example of American excellence: Fox News Edition
In a move that really drives home the “Fox & Friends to Fascism Pipeline,” Donald Trump has chosen Pete Hegseth to run the Department of Defense. Because when you're looking for someone to oversee the largest military on Earth, why not go with the guy best known for nearly decapitating a West Point cadet with a flying ax on live television—truly a man who understands both the art of war and the Fox News approach to workplace safety? If Putin wrestles bears and rides horses shirtless, Hegseth’s equivalent is hurling sharp objects in random directions and hoping for the best. When you think of it, it’s a pretty solid metaphor for his entire military philosophy.
Hegseth is less of a military strategist and more of a morning show pundit—a former National Guard officer who swapped deployments for a cushy Fox News gig, where he spent years warning America that the biggest threats to national security were pronouns and vegetarian MREs. His deep commitment to military readiness includes axing Pentagon research on climate change, global migration, and social trends—because, according to Hegseth, wars are won with sheer patriotism, not pesky things like data or planning. "The DoD does not do climate change crap,” he posted proudly on X, ensuring that the U.S. military will be thoroughly unprepared for the wars climate disasters will inevitably bring.
His personal life is a case study in unearned redemption—from documented alcohol issues to his mother allegedly begging him via email to stop mistreating women. Hegseth himself, ever the gentleman, reportedly preferred a more hands-on approach. According to police reports, he’s been known to rub women’s legs uninvited, reassure them that he’s a “nice guy,” and then prove the opposite by allegedly blocking exits and leaving them with no memory of how they got to a hotel room with him. But don’t worry—he wears a purity-signaling ring on his pointer finger, so it’s all fine.
Speaking of abuse allegations, Hegseth responded to questions about them in a congressional hearing by declaring it all a “left-wing smear campaign” and pivoting hard to God. “I’m not a perfect person,” he said, which is something you never want to hear from the guy about to be in charge of nuclear strategy. His stance on Ukraine is murky at best, but given his habit of parroting Trump’s every whim, expect a strong focus on appeasement, conspiracy theories, and calling Zelenskyy a “globalist puppet” when asked about military aid.
And to round it all out, he’s got a giant cross tattooed on his chest because nothing says “defender of religious liberty” like permanently branding yourself with the world’s most recognizable symbol of Christian nationalism.
Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense. Because when America needs a serious leader in a dangerous world, why not go with the guy whose biggest achievement is yelling at a camera about wokeness?
Next up: Kash Patel
Another shining example of American excellence: The FBI Edition - more retribution, fewer investigations
In yet another inspired move, Donald Trump has appointed Kash Patel as Director of the FBI—a man who has spent years loudly declaring his hatred for the agency he will now run. If you're looking for someone to dismantle the FBI from the inside, why not pick the guy who thinks it’s a "criminal gang" and has openly fantasized about purging it? It’s like hiring a fox to manage the henhouse, except the fox has a podcast, a consulting contract with Truth Social, and two pro-Trump children's books to his name.
Patel, a former defense lawyer, federal prosecutor, and Trump’s go-to “fixer,” has built a career out of toeing the MAGA line with unwavering loyalty and a special talent for rewriting reality. In his 2023 memoir Government Gangsters, he laid out his vision for eradicating so-called "government tyranny" by firing "the top ranks" of the FBI. Democrats call this political purging; Trump calls it "accountability"—which in this context means ensuring that the agency never investigates anything inconvenient for the boss.
His confirmation battle was the closest in recent history, with the Senate deadlocked at 51-49. Even two Republicans balked at confirming a man who once suggested gutting the agency he now leads, but the rest decided that party loyalty trumped national security (pun intended). Senator Dick Durbin summed it up best: “Mr. Patel’s record demonstrates that he is dangerous, inexperienced, and dishonest. He should not and cannot serve as an effective FBI Director.” So naturally, he was the perfect choice.
Patel has denied keeping an "enemies list"—which, in Trumpworld, is a surefire sign that he absolutely has one. When pressed in his confirmation hearings, he downplayed his previous remarks referring to Trump-era law enforcement officials as “criminal gangsters.” It was just locker-room talk! The so-called “60-name roster” of deep state adversaries—featuring Joe Biden, Merrick Garland, and John Bolton—was surely just an innocent hobby, much like his ongoing efforts to turn Truth Social into the Breitbart of bedtime stories.
His new boss, Attorney General Pam Bondi, has tried to reassure critics that “there will be no enemies list” under her watch. That’s adorable. Given Patel’s track record of peddling conspiracy theories, retaliating against critics, and running political errands for Trump, we can all rest assured that the FBI’s resources will be used wisely—like investigating Hillary Clinton’s emails for the 900th time, or confirming that the deep state is indeed hiding under Kash Patel’s bed.
And, of course, Trump himself made it clear why Patel was picked, calling him “an advocate for truth, accountability, and the Constitution.” If you’re not fluent in MAGA doublespeak, that translates roughly to: He’ll protect me at all costs.
So what does the next ten years of FBI leadership look like under Patel? Picture a law enforcement agency where the primary function is retribution, oversight is replaced with loyalty tests, and the deep state is whatever Kash decides it is that day. But hey—at least there’s a chance he’ll publish a third children’s book about it.
Next up: Dan Bongino
A VERY shining example of American excellence
Just when you thought the Trumpian takeover of law enforcement couldn’t get any more absurd, here comes Dan Bongino—the rage-fueled right-wing podcaster who has never been an FBI agent, never run an investigation, and who has called the agency “irredeemably corrupt.” Naturally, he’s just been named Deputy Director of the FBI. Because nothing says “law and order” like handing the nation’s top investigative agency over to a man whose biggest credential is yelling into a microphone about how much he hates it.
This move follows Trump’s appointment of Kash Patel—an avowed FBI antagonist with a well-documented thirst for vengeance—as the Bureau’s new director. Patel had previously assured the FBI Agents Association that he would uphold tradition and appoint a career special agent as his second-in-command. Then, just an hour after the Association sent out a memo saying as much, Patel picked Bongino instead. It was like promising filet mignon and serving a microwaved gas station burrito.
Bongino, a former Secret Service agent and NYPD officer turned Fox News mouthpiece, is best known for his bombastic rants, election denialism, and an undying devotion to Donald Trump. He has no experience running a complex, multi-billion-dollar investigative agency, but he does have a podcast, a deep-seated love of conspiracy theories, and an impressive ability to frame every event in American history as a personal attack on Donald Trump.
Former FBI officials are, to put it lightly, horrified. One career senior FBI executive called it “a slap in the face, bold and brazen,” while another described it as a “terrifying politicization” of the Bureau. David Laufman, a former DOJ official who worked closely with FBI agents, warned that Bongino’s appointment raises “alarming questions about whether the FBI will wholly adhere to the rule of law, or instead will become a political investigative tool of the White House.”
And really, that’s the point. This isn’t about law enforcement; it’s about turning the FBI into Trump’s personal revenge machine. Under the Bongino-Patel regime, expect a Bureau that spends less time on organized crime and counterterrorism and more time investigating late-night hosts who made fun of Trump. White-collar crime? Unimportant. Political enemies? The new priority.
Bongino himself has made no secret of his disdain for the FBI, railing against the so-called “deep state” for years. The idea that he is now responsible for overseeing investigations, approving surveillance warrants, and deciding how federal law enforcement resources are allocated is the kind of thing you’d expect from a satire piece—except it’s real, and it’s happening.
Trump, of course, is thrilled, calling Bongino “a man of incredible love and passion for our Country.” Which is one way to describe someone who has built a career out of shouting into a camera about the evils of federal law enforcement. For Trump, though, loyalty trumps competence every time, and Bongino is nothing if not loyal.
What does all this mean for the future of the FBI? Picture an agency where the second-in-command thinks its very existence is a conspiracy against Donald Trump, where seasoned professionals are being replaced by political hacks, and where the investigative priorities are dictated by whatever Fox News is mad about that week. Welcome to the new era of American law enforcement, where experience is optional, but blind loyalty is required.
I could go on—there are plenty more Trumpworld picks that deserve a closer look. But I need to stop somewhere.
The list of officials in this administration who got their jobs through experience, integrity, and a deep understanding of their field is… well, let’s just say it’s not a long one. Instead, we get a government where loyalty trumps competence, revenge is a leadership strategy, and the FBI is now run by men who think the agency shouldn’t even exist.
Welcome to the new era of American Administration—where the biggest qualification for power is how loudly you can say woke mind virus.
Thank you! Glad you like it.
Thanks for publishing yet another great satirical article backed by thorough research, that highlights once again how fragile America (so-called democracy) has become and how (easily) corrupt America can be when guided by an authoritarian rulership regime model President (Emperor) Xi of the PRC would be proud of.
SNL writers could easily reference your article to help write a great comedy sketch about the many cartoon characters that Trump has selected to help "manage" aka disrupt aka destroy America over the next 4 years.
It's as if the American political "Think Tanks" had too many "Beautiful Dinners" with President (Emperor) Xi and the CCP, and after recording and watching too many TikToks of each other for dessert, America has become so intoxicated that they've funded Trump to manipulate and manufacture a CCP/PLA model of "rulership/governance", all in the name of "Democracy" and implemented it right under the nose of the "Stature of Liberty" and the American people.
We are witnessing weird and (not) wonderful times when a President of the United States selects nominees for the most responsible positions of authority to apparently "Make America Great Again (Again)", and they are sworn in to uphold the rule of law when those same so-called "elected" persons do not follow the rule of law. Go figure!!!
Keep up the great work, your pieces are hard-hitting, and funny, which means they are very informative and entertaining.