Pardon the Insurrectionists, Deport the Farmworker
Trump’s America: Where storming the Capitol gets you a free pass, but picking fruit gets you deported.
Photo by Colin Lloyd on Unsplash
America, rejoice! The streets are safe once again—not from people who love storming the Capitol, but from undocumented nannies and fruit pickers. Donald Trump, the self-proclaimed law-and-order president (when it suits him), has made it abundantly clear where his priorities lie. If you stormed the Capitol, assaulted police officers, and attempted to overturn democracy, congratulations! You’re getting a get-out-of-jail-free card. If you’ve spent years quietly working, raising children, or harvesting the food that keeps America fed—well, sorry, but it’s time to go.
And for those men and women in police uniforms—well, you’re morons for believing in protecting the Constitution. In Trump’s America, the real problem isn’t insurrectionists trying to lynch the vice president; it’s law enforcement daring to stop them from defecating in the Capitol or staging humiliating photo ops in Nancy Pelosi’s office. And speaking of Pence—I never thought I’d say this, but since January 6, he almost looks like a trustworthy conservative. A rare breed on that side of the political spectrum.
On day one of his glorious second reign, Trump fired up his favorite Sharpie and mass-pardoned over 1,500 of his most loyal foot soldiers, including the leaders of violent far-right militias. The same people who brought zip ties, bear spray, and a hearty dose of hate to the halls of Congress are now free men. Meanwhile, those pesky undocumented immigrants who had the audacity to contribute to society? Deported, posthaste.
Make America Safe Again? Not exactly. Make America Comfortable for Domestic Terrorists Again? Absolutely.
Law and Order (For Some)
Trump has never been one to shy away from hypocrisy, but this round of clemency really is something special. Just days ago, JD Vance insisted that only non-violent offenders should be pardoned. But fear not! Trump has shown everyone that in his America, crime isn’t the issue—it’s who commits the crime that matters.
Storm the Capitol? That’s patriotic. Beat up a police officer in the name of Trump? A minor misunderstanding. But an undocumented worker trying to make ends meet? That’s where he draws the line.
And let’s not forget the Justice Department purge. Trump has installed Ed Martin, a Stop the Steal activist, as interim U.S. Attorney for D.C., ensuring that any ongoing prosecutions of his beloved insurrectionists are swiftly tossed in the bin. Truly, the rule of law is alive and well—if you define law as whatever Trump wants.
Freedom for Some, Retribution for Others
Among those freed were Stewart Rhodes, founder of the Oath Keepers, and Enrique Tarrio, former leader of the Proud Boys. These are men whose contributions to American society include plotting to keep Trump in power through force and violence. But sure, let’s act like they’re misunderstood patriots.
Meanwhile, Trump’s pardons didn’t just set them free—they set the stage for their retribution. Many of the exonerated are already planning lawsuits against the government, hoping to cash in on the so-called “grave national injustice” they suffered. Who knows? Maybe soon, the same people who spent years screaming about “leftist grifters” will be enjoying hefty payouts from Uncle Sam.
And then there’s Jacob Chansley, the infamous QAnon Shaman, who responded to his pardon by declaring he’s going out to buy some “mother f***in’ guns.” Fantastic! The future is bright, kids! Just the kind of guy you want roaming free in a country already drowning in gun violence.
The Real Message: Crime is Fine (If It’s for Trump)
The real takeaway here is that Trump isn’t against crime—he’s against crime he doesn’t approve of. Fraud? Grifting? Leading an insurrection? As long as your MAGA hat is firmly on, you’re golden. But if you’re a hard-working immigrant just trying to live a quiet and peaceful life? Not in Trump’s America!
But that’s not really surprising, is it?
As Charlie Kirk so eloquently put it, Trump “delivered.” He sure did. The question is, to whom? Certainly not to the Americans who want a functioning democracy, affordable living costs, free education, or healthcare. Certainly not to the law enforcement officers who risked their lives on January 6. Certainly not to the people who actually believed his tough-on-crime nonsense.
No, Trump delivered to exactly the people who would burn America to the ground if he asked them to. And now they’re back on the streets—angrier, emboldened, and ready for round two.
So, sleep with one eye open, America. The insurrectionists are free, the nanny is gone, and the fruit picker has been sent back to Ecuador. Isn’t that what justice is all about?
Oh, thank you...I'm not sure I have enough quality content to write substacks, but I love your expression and reading what you're doing, as a high-quality author/journalist.
You are writing powerful, Op-Ed satirical pieces, and I enjoy supporting your work with my comments
Another great Political satire piece!!! Keep up the great work
Thank you for shedding more light on the pervasive hypocrisy that is currently "ruling" America by so-called elected political officials.
Thanks again for pointing out that we are witnessing the greatest deception and insanity played out in the public domain, at the highest level of public office
I imagine very short dialogues such as those shown below actually take place in DC
Trump: What's good for me, is good for our American people
JD Vance: Can you repeat that Boss Hogg, as I didn't quite catch that?
Trump: What's good for me, is NOT good for our American people.
JD Vance: Ok, that's what I thought, Boss Hogg, and I wholeheartedly agree with you
Trump: We don't have hearts but I'm glad you understand Pretty Boy. Now tell the American people that I'm good for them
We have to remember that the Truth is stranger than fiction
JD Vance: I will do Boss Hogg
*Boss Hogg of The Dukes of Hazzard TV series was the sole commissioner of Hazzard County, Georgia, and thus held all executive and judicial powers therein. He executed many nefarious and criminal schemes.
Hogg owned most of Hazzard's property and businesses, either directly or by holding the mortgages over the land. He would enlist the aid of his right-hand man and partner in crime, the dim-witted, bumbling Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane to frame the Duke family for crimes they did not commit. Rosco's deputies, Enos Strate and Cletus Hogg, Boss's cousin, have also aided Boss Hogg, though Enos was decidedly more reluctant to do so. According to the Balladeer, he had a "cradle to grave" earning plan, in that if you were a Hazzard County resident, you were born at the local hospital owned by Hogg, you lived in a house to which he owned the deed, worked at one of his businesses, and when you died, his casket company would make your pine box.