The Barbiefication of the Right: A Satirical Toy Story

Welcome to The Conservative Doll Collection™

Ever look at certain conservative women and think: “Wow, they really put the ‘fun’ in fundamentalism!”?

No? Just me?

Welcome to The Conservative Doll Collection™—an exclusive lineup of plastic perfection, moulded straight from the melting pot of Christian nationalism, cultural paranoia, and retail Botox. Think Fox News meets Mattel, but with more dog whistles and fewer functioning institutions.

These aren’t just dolls. They’re fully poseable contradiction machines—built to pray, protest, and perform outrage on cue. Each one arrives fully accessorized with trauma they invented, enemies they imagined, and rights they’re somehow both defending and dismantling.

Rage Racket Barbie? Built in a CrossFit, not a Congress.
Alpha Fan Barbie? Subpoenas in one hand, a framed podcast bro in the other.
Bathroom Barbie? Checking genitalia in public restrooms.
Commandress Barbie? Think Handmaid’s Tale, but make it silent luxury.

You get the picture.

They come with microphones that only pick up AM radio, prayer cards with punchlines, and designer handbags filled with reheated conspiracy theories. Oh, and let’s not forget the collector’s edition “I’m Being Censored” badge—sold exclusively to those who never shut up.

These dolls are brave. Bold. And always just one trigger warning away from a meltdown.

But I didn’t create them just to laugh (though yes, I did laugh). I created them because these women are everywhere—in hearings, in headlines, in our algorithms—and their aesthetic of grievance is now a governing strategy. It’s politics by performance. Barbie as a battleground.

So yeah, I built a toy box. And maybe, in it, I’ve managed to pin a few of them down.

No batteries required. Just blind allegiance.

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🪮 Tulsi Gabbard: The Hair Barbie

Official title: Head of Intelligence. Actual job? Hair management and long pauses. She doesn’t say much, but when she does, it’s suspiciously aligned with authoritarian talking points. Comes with salon-fresh waves, a blank notebook, and a loyalty chip that only malfunctions when Democrats are involved.

⚖️ Pam Bondi: The LAW & ORDER Barbie

Justice? Optional. Loyalty? Eternal. She’s part Statue of Liberty, part press conference, all blonde ambition. Carries a MAGA tiara, a tattered constitution, and a sparkle in her subpoena

✝ Karoline Leavitt: Pick-Me Barbie

She prays, she slays (mostly other women), and she’s never met a man she wouldn’t defend harder than democracy. Wears the cross like a brand badge and weaponises modesty like a vibe. Comes with a tiny Bible, a bigger ego than Becky Sharp, and absolutely no sense of irony.

🚽 Nancy Mace: The Bathroom Barbie

From the halls of Congress to the stalls of your local restroom—she’s on a mission to inspect your genitals for freedom. Comes with a bathroom key, a fake badge, and a laminated copy of “Who’s Allowed to Pee Where: A Memoir.” Flip-flops on policy, but never on panic. Confused but committed.

🧠 Alina: Alpha Fan Barbie

She’s not a lawyer—she’s a lifestyle. Worships male podcasters like deities, quotes "sigma grindset" between court losses. Thinks loyalty is a brand. Includes a “SIGMA MALE MENTOR” trophy and zero shame.

🍾 Lauren Boebert: Guns & Glam Barbie

Low morals, high drama. Lives to vape in the dark and grope in the light. Always dressed for date night, never ready for Congress. Accessories: mini lipstick, broken morals, VIP theatre pass.

🦌 Kristi Noem: The LAW & BORDER Barbie

She shoots, she poses, she governs with a rifle and regret. Hates regulations, loves nature when she can control it. May or may not be sponsored by a Riffle organisation. Includes hip police badges and a suspiciously calm dog.

🏋️‍♀️ Marjorie T: Rage Racket Barbie

Louder than legislation and angrier than a CrossFit coach with no Wi-Fi. She doesn't need facts—just volume and veins. Comes with a megaphone, a Bible wrapped in bullets, and enough testosterone to scare your uncle

💼 Linda McMahon: Boss Barbie

From body-slamming budgets to suplexing social programs—because governing is just WWE with nicer suits! Her motto: ‘If schools are failing, just stop checking the scores—it’s called faith-based accountability!’

👑 Ivanka: Commandress Barbie

Beauty meets nothingness. A tribute to silence in stilettos. Looks like power, acts like glass. Her rights are optional, but her skincare is elite. Comes with a “NO COMMENT” button and a framed photo of herself.

👠Melania: European Fake Barbie

Flawless, wordless, and imported. Thinks charity begins with Prada. Says nothing, means nothing, costs everything. Wears a hat bigger than her personality and includes a tiny “I REALLY DON’T CARE” jacket

The Conservative Doll Collection™—because why change the world when you can just accessorise your oppression?

Warning: May trigger existential crises in liberal households. Tears not included (but highly encouraged).

Now back to regularly scheduled programming—already in progress since 1952.